Lonesomebounty tries a new hand

To my dear readers,
Apologies for the long silence. I have been having a rough time with my Internet connection. However I have had time to work on a few articles. Check out my first attempt at script writing. It is not much and must be full of mistakes I know, however, I hope you enjoy my attempt.

DISCOURSE ON CONTEMPORARY ISSUES
BY NAOMI WANJIRU

THE SYNOPSIS

The play takes place at a Bar in Nairobi. Two friends get together for a drink and are joined by more friends. It seems just like any other evening until one of the friends drops a bomb-shell.

 
 There is soft music in the background with glasses chinking and a murmur of voices. Footsteps are heard.
         

Bonnie: Hey wssup.
Allonso:
Hey. Glad you came. It means so much to me that…..
Bonnie:
Dude!

There is a moment of silence. Allonso gives a nervous laugh.
Allonso:
What will you have!? Name your poison!
Bonnie: 
Name my poison? Why do people say that? It sounds kinda scary.
Allonso: Maybe coz when you have alcohol in large quantities it becomes poisonous!
Bonnie: Really? I never thought!
Allonso: That’s why people throw up when they have too much.                                                                  
Bonnie: Yeah actually I remember learning about something like alcohol- poisoning when I did first-aid. I thought I was going to be a doctor.
Allonso: Really? Thank God! I would hate to imagine how many people you would have killed by now.
Bonnie: I could be a psychiatrist!
Allonso: Auwiiii! I think people would come out of  your office crazier than they went in. You would earn a lot of money though, Nairobi is soo…. stressful nowadays.
Bonnie: I totally agree, just imagine the jam stays till ten p.m  these days.
Allonso: Yeah, you remember the day it rained? I got home at two a.m. Hata siongei!
Bonnie: Ok enough of that. We will always have something to complain about in Nairobi. Sema  boss! Niletee kama kawaida. Allo, may I poison you please.
Allonso: Yeah I think I will have a whisky. I need some whisking up after what I have gone through today.
Bonnie:
Wah! Nairobi is already getting to you?
Allonso: Oh just a few domez  here and there with……..       
Bonnie makes some throat noises to show his discomfort.
Bonnie: Enhe! Are you sure you want to tell me? Why don’t you wait for a girl? I am sure Caro would enjoy helping you out.
Allonso: Dude stop being weird. Anyway where was I?  I mean its not like its so serious.We are just meant to be friends. You get? Then all of a sudden I get accused of cheating. I mean how do I cheat on someone I am not in a relationship with?
Bonnie:
Yeah! I don’t know how it goes with you people. What game is showing tonight?
Allonso:
You are not listening! We are just friends! And now…….
Bonnie: Kwani the waiter has put off the TV? Dude si I go check what game is on tonight?
Allonso: Nkt! Sawa. Don’t take too long I need someone to lean on right now. 
Footsteps are heard. A girl screams out Allonso’s name.  
Caro: Allonso!! You are back! Is it you for sure?
Allonso:
Me? No! Of course not! It’s the ghost of Allonso!
Caro:
Gosh! I was just happy to see you.
Allonso: Sorry I hurt your feelings but what did you want me to tell you?
Caro:
Yeah, yeah. How is life treating you? Working in Nai is fine as you can see. I had just decided to pop-in as the jam eases out.
Allonso: Oh! Cool I have company till ten o’clock. Have a sit. This is Bonnie’s drink he’s gone to check out soccer matches. Name your poison!
Caro: Name your poison, you sound like my father. Enhe! Tell me how school abroad is and what you are planning to do this holiday.        
Allonso: I am glad that school is over for this season. I don’t have any plannos yet for now and right now I have a  relationship that is disturbing my life.
Caro: Okay. What have you done to the poor woman
Allonso: Would you listen to that! Kwani its always dudes who hurt the chics!(under his breath) It’s not like you would understand anyway.
Caro: Yeah whatever! One woman isn’t so different from the other one. You men are all dogs!
Allonso: No its not! Women are just as evil.
Bonnie joins in the conversation.
Bonnie:
They are the most evil. They are hypocritical  manipulative and all. In fact one of the ways they manipulate men is by forcing them to acknowledge that they are always wrong.  Did you hear her?(mimicing Caro) What have you done to the poor woman?
Caro: What! Women have always been oppressed. They had to be sort of cunning sometimes but those are the very few. And that was not manipulating you, men are too selfish to get hurt. Women love too much……
Allonso:
Hear that! Victim mentality
Footsteps are heard and Ciru joins in the conversation.
caro:
Ciru: Actually things are kinda fifty- fifty in this world. For example if ninety per cent of guys cheat then so does a good number of women otherwise who are they cheating with?
Bonnie: I totally agree. That’s why I am advocating for polygamy. That way men cannot be accused of cheating. We would just have you women in the same compound and therefore you would know who the other woman is.
Caro: Listen to selfish men. Who will take care my needs when the man is with the other woman?
Ciru: Actually you could get a lover.
Caro:
That would make a society with no morals. Just imagine…… Ngai! Besides I want to get married to one man and that’s it. I don’t want to share my husband.
Bonnie: I like the polygamy part… but that part for her getting a lover is too much!
Ciru:
Stop being selfish darling. ‘Si ati ni sabuni itaisha’. Your share will still be there when you need it.
Caro:
Aiiii! Hebu stop being gross. Pervert!
Allonso:
Ciru nowadays unauza salamu pesa ngapi?
Ciru: Ah! Pole Allo. Glad to see you are back. Let me buy you one. Boss! Leta bia mbili tafadhali!
Allonso: Anyway, as I was saying you guys should stop being pretentious. Our grandparents accepted it. In fact that story of our nyanyas is far-far, its happening now. Its us guys who don’t want to admit it.
Caro:
Get used to Ciru Allo. Enhe! Tell us more.
Allonso: How many times do you hear of women coming out of the wood to say that they have children with the deceased when a man dies? In fact when my……
Bonnie: Ah! That’s the stuff of everyday news. Do you guys know the huge mansion near our digs, si guys have been fighting for it ever since the old man died.
Caro: Yes! I know that house. In fact I went to school with one of the daughters. She was always complaining about how she never got along with any of her step-bros.
Bonnie:
Well now she has more step-siblings to contend with. The old man had another wife whom no one knew about. That is, till  he died and she wanted her share of the wealth.
Ciru: I guess its typical of Kenyan funerals nowadays. I think guys go to funerals for the drama.
Allonso: We really should stop pretending about some of these things you know. In my opinion there is nothing new under the sun.
Bonnie:
Yep. We should go back to our roots. I advocate for polygamy since we still practise it despite being good Christians.
Caro: Roots my ass! What do you know about your tribe anyway? Can you even speak your mother tongue to begin with?
Allonso: Mother-tongue? Mother tongue mpaka saa ngapi! The guy cant even speak decent Kiswahili and it’s the national language.
Bonnie: Weh! Tusizoeane! Stop hating Kiswahili yangu ni poa bwana. Usinione hapo!
Ciru:
Actually Bonnie its Kiswahili changu ni sanifu.
Bonnie: Argh! Then let me floss my knowledge . I am sure you have all heard this one. Lets say me and Allo got the cut at the same time then I could visit his wife when he wasn’t around. All I had to do was plant a spear outside the hut and Allo would know I was getting busy. We would still be boys coz he could do the same.       
Caro: Yeah my granny told me something like that.Her version is, before the man entered his home-stead he had to start whistling from the gate so that if the woman was with her lover, he had time to get away.
Ciru: Yeah and if the guy was caught?
Allonso: How do you get caught and you have been forewarned ? You must be an idiot if you do!
Bonnie: Your grandmother told you that? She must be cool.
Caro: Ei! I thought you knew these things? To add on top of that, even if you got a baby with one of your lovers, they belonged to your husband.
Bonnie: What! You had to take care of someone’s brats!
Ciru: But someone was taking care of yours!
Bonnie: So everyone is taking care of children who might or might not be his?
Ciru: I think its kinda cool coz then you would never mistreat any kid. They might be yours!
Allonso: ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Sounds kinda weird but its kinda cool
Bonnie: Who would think! Fuck!
Allonso:
Fornication under consent of the king?
Everyone: What?!
Allonso:
Yeah that’s what fuck means!
Caro:
Really?
Ciru: Ai! Caro even you? Can’t believe you bought that. Please spare me.
Allonso:
Actually I read it somewhere.
Ciru: The crap you read. Is that the education you get when you go abroad?
Bonnie: It could also mean for unlawful carnal knowledge. You know, prostitution.
Caro:
Oga- oooh! These boys the gonn make go-go outta my head! (feigning a Nigerian accent)
Ciru: Stop reading those books they are turning you into a cabbage. Come back to Kenya and do 8-4-4 like the rest of us. See we are quite normal.
Allonso: Oooh! I was so excited about it. I thought you guys would be as excited as I was when I found out the actual meaning.
Bonnie: Where did you read that by the way I have only made the second one up.
Ciru:
I am sure the same way you have come up with that stupid explanation is the same way some silly guys put it on the net just to see how many idiots would buy the idea.
Caro: Allonso! Kama ni mimi wewe siwezi ambiwa hivyo!
Allonso: Well only stupid things happen to sell for your information. If you start to get too serious people will never buy your stuff.
Ciru: Oh! Please! People will never take you seriously if you are always being stupid.
Bonnie: Lets see who the richest businesses people are and what they sell. Musicians who sing crap are big. Hollywood movies with no sensible storyline sell…….guys who run tabloids…..
Allonso: Here is a good one… the guys who came up with TV.
Caro: Hey TV is not silly its prime entertainment!
Allonso: Yeah just think about it. Imagine if you have never seen a TV your whole life and you came across people looking at a box.
Ciru: Or a mobile phone….
Everyone: Explain
Ciru:
Its talking to someone you cannot see. And having these expressive facial expressions on your face. If you didn’t know about mophones you would think Nairobi is full of mad people coz everyone is talking to themselves.
Caro and Bonnie: Aiii….. that one! Aaaah! Aaaah!
Bonnie: By the way it makes sense. Just the other day I was waiting for a matatu. Then I saw this chic looking at me and she was talking. I thought that she was telling me something but she kept on talking. Thank God I didn’t talk to her coz later I realized that she was having a conversation on these new phones where you place the device on your ear and talk.
Caro: It’s a hands-free Bonnie!
Bonnie: Thanks now I know!
Allonso: Ooh! Ooh! Here is a good one…
Ciru: A good what?
Everyone: Kwani what are we talking about?
Ciru: Just imagine I am kinda blank. I had passed somewhere before coming here maybe the booze is getting to me.
Bonnie: Hebu someone orders for her some water. I don’t feel like carrying people today….

Ciru clicks in annoyance.
Allonso: Back to the story. I was going to talk about diamonds. They are just hard stones that signify wealth that’s all. Someone sat down and decided to make money from selling stones and it was a hit.
Caro: Weeeh!  Get your facts right. Diamonds are not just stones. They are rare and very beautiful. Stones are the ones that we use for constructing houses.
Bonnie: Caro, but they are still stones at the end of the day. I don’t even know why women want stones on their engagement rings.
Caro and ciru: Because they are beautiful! They glitter and make one look beautiful.
Bonnie: But I love you the way you are you don’t have to put on a stone on so that I can notice you!
Caro: I think a diamond is valuable coz its rare and it reflects light really well.
Allonso: It is still a stone at the end of the day!
Ciru:
I am not really, sure but now that I think of it what’s a diamond but a piece of stone? The guys who thought of diamonds are the clever ones, the people who bought the idea are the stupid ones……. which is most of the world.
Caro:
I still want a diamond ring for my engagement.
Bonnie:
And which man in Kenya will give you one?
Caro: Who said I have to go for a Kenyan man!
Bonnie: Now  Allo why have you brought up that diamond story? See? I have just been dumped over stones. Si you give her that huge diamond ring you got coz you don’t need it any way.
Ciru: Eeeeh..! Did you say Allonso got a huge diamond ring or am I imagining things!
Caro: Hebu stop joking. I don’t even like the idea. A man getting a diamond ring while I am still fantasising! 
Allonso: Guys, guys its just a stupid diamond ring.
Caro: Ngai! Baba! Stupid diamond ring? Heh? Ndugu you roll like that? I am not talking.
Ciru: A diamond ring for a man….
Bonnie cuts Ciru short very fast.
Bonnie: Girls! Stop being so materialistic. You heard Allo. Its just a stone.Right?
Ciru:
Right. Allo or Bonnie, one of you has a story for me.
Bonnie: Ai! Ciru you think too much! Wacha kutafuta story haziko.
Caro: You guys! Allo has got a diamond ring. Let’s celebrate to that! Boss! Leta raundi. ( very proudly) It’s on me.
Bonnie: Way to go Caro. That’s a good modern woman.
Caro: Hey Allo why are you so quiet. You are the proud owner of a diamond ring. When can I see it?
Bonnie: It’s not a ring it’s a pendant! I think the jam has eased up guys let’s go home.
Caro: Just when I was having fun. Are you guys sure? I don’t just buy rounds you know!
Ciru: Allo, if you thought you were going to wriggle out of this one forget! Who gave you that stone and why?
Bonnie: Ciru you are really putting Allo on a tight spot.
Ciru: Maybe Bonnie you should tell me the story of how he got the stone since you already know it.
Allonso: Ciru, I thought it was more than obvious I am gay. My guy gave it to me and we have been fighting ever since coz I am not ready for such a commitment.
Caro: Allonso! I have heard everything you have told Ciru. I will only continue being your friend if you drop that relationship!
Ciru: Ai! Caro, you haven’t even heard the story and you have already made conclusions.
Caro: I have heard enough.Ciru, you are not being a good friend. Real friends tell you when you go wrong. I think you need prayers Allo. How do you even think of doing somethings? No kid of mine is going to study abroad. Look at all the bad habits you guys pick from there. I am going home.
Chairs are heard moving
Allonso: Caro, Caro chill. We have been such good friends and now…..
Caro: Ei! Hebu don’t touch me! I will not associate with you unless you change. I have heard other people doing that  but you…?!
Ciru: Caro, you haven’t even heard him out! Why are you being judgemental? Hey stop walking!
Running footsteps are heard and Ciru trying to stop Caro from going away
Allonso: Bonnie, what do I do? Caro doesn’t even want to see me.
Bonnie: Iza jo! But I told you. At least Ciru understands, me, I am still in shock. Keep it to yourself if you don’t want to land in police cells at industrial area. Let’s pay the bill and try to fikia Ciru. Boss leta bill. 

 


Glossary

awuiii an interjection to show shock or surprise
Hata siongei I am not even taking (anymore about the matter)          
Sema
how are you? In sheng
Niletee kama kawaida bring the the usual
Wah! an interjection to show shock or surprise
Enhe! an interjection that shows one is attentive
Kwani? an interjection used to show that one is about to ask a question.
Si
an interjection used to show that one is about to ask a question.
Nkt! used when someone clicks in anger
Sawa
okay
Nai short name for Nairobi
Plannos
Sheng for plans
Ngai/ Ngai baba
Oh My God!
Si ati ni sabuni itaisha
it is not soap it cannot get finished
Hebu
an interjection used when one is about to request for something in a rude way
Unauza Salamu are you selling greetings?
Nyanyas 
sheng for our ancestors
Mpaka saa ngapi?
Weh! Tusizoeane lets not disrespect each other
Kiswahili yangu ni poa grammaticaly wrong in Kiswahili for my Kiswahili is good
Kiswahili changu ni sanifu my Swahili is good
Kama ni mimi wewe siwezi ambiwa hivyo I would not let anyone tell me that
Ei!/Ai! 
an interjection to show shock or surprise
Mophones mobile phones
Matatu
the mode of transport in Kenya
Weeeh! 
used to show mock anger
Eeeh! an interjection to show shock or  surprise
Ndugu brother
Wacha kutafuta story haziko stop looking for stories that do not exist
Leta raundi 
bring a another round
Iza jo! sheng for sorry
Fikia run after (Ciru)
Leta bill bring the bill


   

                                          

                               

                                                  

                    


 

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